Holiday tips
"My therapist told me..."
As we head into the holiday season, a time that we will likely spend more time with family and friends, I thought it may be a good idea to share a quick tip for helping others who are in emotional distress. I have been in private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 6 years. If you were to ask me what is the single best piece of advice I could give people who are looking to help others with emotional pain it would be this...don't give advice!
While it may be central to the role of a therapist to empower clients to find their own solutions, the art of not giving advice can be utilized by anyone who wishes to use it.
Whether it is your significant other, friend, co-worker or family member, if you are looking to ease someone in distress one of the best approaches you can take is to assume that you do not yet understand where they are coming from in that moment.
Oftentimes we are unaware of our own inherent drive to feel in control of ourselves and our emotions. When we encounter someone in our immediate world who is going through a difficult time it is our reflex to provide a solution to the problem. This partly comes from a real place of compassion and empathy, but the part that can be difficult to identify is that it is also because we do not like our own emotional state to be disrupted and therefore act to change it.
So the next time you experience someone in a tough spot, approach them with a posture of patience and validation.
A simple acknowledgement like, "That sounds like a difficult situation" works wonders as compared to suggestion or advice on how to improve the situation.
So essentially, the step by step of emotional support is: Listen, ask questions, listen more, validate emotions. And make sure to put a period at the end of the sentence and fight the urge to add a "but" (i.e. "That sounds like a difficult situation, but have you tried..."). Again, while this is instinctual and may even be good advice, it can often leave the other person feeling misunderstood and even more alone in their distress.
If you would like to learn more about my practice, or about therapy in general, please visit my website via the link below. If you would like to schedule an appointment or a free phone consultation please visit the contact page provided on the website.
