Bringing "I" into focus to build a healthier "we"

While the term “codependency” is almost commonplace in the context of addiction, it can develop in just about any relationship in which two or more individuals become dependent upon one another to an unhealthy degree. 

While upbringing and relationship history certainly play an important role in the develop of codependent tendencies, it is often the introduction of a life stressor experienced by one individual in the family/couple that can lead to, or exacerbate the development of such relationship patterns. 

Examples of such stressors are: an increase in drug use, job loss, diagnosis of illness (either physical or mental), domestic violence, unmet financial needs, poor academic performance, experiencing trauma, among others. Problematic relationship patterns often develop in a slow, subtle manner which is why it can be so difficult to identify until it feels almost too late to do anything about them.

Taking the approach of improving our relationships by first taking control of our own lives may feel counterintuitive.  This is especially true when the relationship is with someone we love, such as an adolescent child, or significant other.  It requires fighting every instinctual urge we have to help our loved one first, and then get to ourselves later. The difficult truth is that this order needs to be reversed to produce actual change for both parties.  In a sort of tragic irony it is usually the focus and energy being directed toward the struggling loved one that only perpetuates the problem, and in many cases intensifies it.  

Witnessing this tragedy unfold within the families I have treated is why I have such a passion for helping individuals navigate out of entangled, codependent relationships.  With empathy, patience and understanding, I guide clients through the process of redirecting their focus and energy back to themselves, and manage the difficult and confusing emotions that can flood in as a result of taking such scary steps toward change.