What do you want to do for Mother's Day?
What do you want to do for Mother's Day?
Being a mother is a tough job. This may seem like the most obvious statement in the world, especially so close to the day we nationally celebrate our moms. It has likely been acknowledged a million times over, but has it been acknowledged enough? Probably not. I am hard-pressed to think of a more challenging and complex role than being a mother. In many ways, it is a job set up for failure. There is just no possible way to meet all the needs that a family requires of a mother. And boy, does a family have a lot of needs!
Working with couples and families throughout the years, I cannot help but feel a growing sense of respect for the often invisible burden of moms. I have worked with many husbands who, with excellent intentions, can find themselves frustrated with their wives when they are attempting to relieve them of their duty... "Go have a girl's night; I'll watch the kids," or "Take some time for yourself, go get a massage," only to get a peculiar mix of emotions in their response, "I can't do that!" "Oh? and who is going to take care of.." "You don't think I would love to do that!" The husband is left scratching his head, wondering what he did wrong, and is now defensive as he feels boxed into a double bind. If he doesn't make such offers, he is an inattentive husband. But when he does make such offers, he just doesn't get it! Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And this is where the invisible burden is at its greatest. MomsMom can never be relieved of their duty. To be a mom is to always be ON.
Even when you are away from your children…miles away…you are still a mom. You cannot escape it. You cannot escape the constant worry, the constant obligations, the constant feeling of a neverending to-do list hanging over your head, and the constant pressure of responsibility for these little growing humans. Sure, you can get away with your girlfriends for an evening. But you can't get away from the unconscious recoil from your friend's touch because it is the gazillionth time your body has been touched by needy little hands (looking at your fellow husbands). You can go get that massage, but can you truly enjoy it when your mind is being pummeled by feelings of guilt for being away from your toddler? You know, with all your smarts, that it would be a ridiculous expectation for you to be with your children every breathing second. You are sure of it. Right!? "Like, that's crazy..to expect that. I mean, there is just no way I should have to be home right now. I should just enjoy this massage and not be thinking about whether my toddler is crying or not. Yes, this feels good, and it is relaxing. It's definitely not stressful to be wondering if my husband remembered that our teenage son needs to finish that school project tonight. Yeah… I'm not worried about that! Even if my husband forgets, my son will remember. Besides, I have no reason to feel responsible for that right now. It's not my school project. If he gets an F, that's on him. Not on me…right?" Enter into your mind millions of years of evolution and social reinforcement to say, "Yes!! It is ALL on you. I can't believe you are trying to convince yourself otherwise. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and dial the guilt up until your message is fully ruined and you are driving home crying. And then, just for fun, I'm going to make you feel guilty for crying. Enjoy!" Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, what do moms and husbands have to do with this seemingly unsolvable problem? For one, acknowledge it. Acknowledge that the burden of motherhood is unique. Secondly, have grace. Moms everywhere deserve not only gratitude but grace. It is okay when your wife does not know precisely what they want to do for Mother's Day. It is okay if they say that they do not like flowers, but then they kind of want flowers. It's okay if they want to get out of the house and away from the kids, but then they delay and avoid leaving the house. It's okay if they are angry at you for not doing enough, but then don't let you do more. Being a mom is a role riddled with paradoxes, catch-22s, and double-binds. There is just no winning…and yet, there is the most fantastic prize of all..getting to be a mom.
The best advice I can ever give to mothers as a therapist is to give yourself permission to feel kind of crazy. If it feels like you are not doing enough, that is okay. There is no way you can do it all. If it feels like you deserve more gratitude, that is okay. That is entirely true. If you think you cannot handle one more minute of your kids, that is okay. They are being annoyed. If you feel your children are the cutest things on the planet, that is okay. They need you to think that. If you cannot bear the thought of leaving your kids to go to work, that is okay. That is your character. If you feel like you are losing your identity, that is okay. You sort of are. If you are incredibly proud of being a mom, that is okay. You should be. Whatever your feelings may be about being a mom, just know that it does not have to be one thing. You can feel it all. You deserve to feel it all just as much as you deserve to be celebrated.
